VII.“Performance Doesn’t Equal Presence: Unlearning the Porn Script”

We’ve been conditioned to perform sex, not actually feel it.

Arch your back.

Make the right sounds.

Pretend to finish.

Repeat.

From mainstream porn to hookup culture to shame-based sex ed, we learned early: sex is something we do, not something we experience.

But let’s be honest—

you can hit all the “right” spots and still feel completely disconnected.

And that’s the lie we’re breaking up with today.

🍑 What Is the “Porn Script”?

It’s the unconscious playbook many of us act out without even realizing it.

Some examples:

• Faking sounds, orgasms, or reactions to meet expectations

• Rushing through intimacy to get to the “main event”

• Prioritizing visual appeal over embodied pleasure

• Feeling like you need to “perform” dominance or submission rather than choose it

• Believing that silence = boring, slowness = failure, or asking for what you want = needy

The porn script isn’t just in porn.

It’s in the locker rooms, the memes, the “how to please your man in 5 steps” clickbait, the silence of sex ed classrooms.

And it teaches us to detach from ourselves in order to be desirable.

😶‍🌫️ Performance Disconnects Us From Presence

You can arch. You can moan. You can ride.

But are you even in your body?

Are you feeling it—or are you watching yourself from outside, making sure you look like you’re doing it right?

When you’re in performance mode:

• You override your body’s boundaries to “keep the mood”

• You dissociate during sex but don’t realize it until later

• You focus more on the others pleasure VS yours

• You confuse attention with connection

And that’s not pleasure. So what’s the point?

🧠 Why We Perform

• To avoid rejection (“If I don’t act like I’m enjoying this, they’ll lose interest.”)

• To prove worthiness (“This is how I stay desirable, lovable, chosen.”)

• To avoid vulnerability (“If I just do what they like, I won’t have to speak up.”)

• Because we were never taught what actual presence feels like in sex

And when you’ve survived trauma…Performance becomes muscle memory.

🧘🏽‍♀️ Reclaiming Presence in the Bedroom

You don’t need to throw away every moan or movement—you just need to ask, “Is this for me, too?”

Here’s how to start the unlearning:

✨1. Slow Down

Most performance thrives in speed. Slowing down lets the body speak up.

✨ 2. Check In Mid-Play

Ask yourself: “Do I want this, or am I just going along with it?”

✨ 3. Practice Authentic Sound

Allow yourself sensation, without expectation. It might feel awkward at first. That’s okay.

✨ 4. Let Go of the “Show”

Sex isn’t a stage. You don’t need to perform worthiness—you are worthy. Right here. Right now.

✨ 5. Choose Experiences Over Applause

Instead of aiming for approval, aim for honesty. That’s where the good stuff lives.

🖤 The Truth?

You don’t need to be a pornstar in bed.

You need to be present.

Because real turn-on lives in the nuance—

The breath you didn’t plan.

The moment your hips followed sensation instead of rhythm.

The stillness that said, “I trust you.”

That’s the kind of sex that doesn’t just feel good.

It feels free.

VI.“Me, Myself & I… and That’s It? Navigating Sex with a Selfish Partner”

Are You Just a Warm Hole or a Whole Person?

1. What Is “Selfish Sex”?
   → Not just someone who finishes first—it’s about disregard, disconnection, and lack of aftercare or reciprocity.

2. The Cultural Conditioning Behind It
   → Heteronormative scripts, porn-influenced pressure, and a lack of communication education.

3. It’s Not About Technique—It’s About Presence
   → You can tell when someone is with you vs. using you to perform or relieve.

4. How to Bring It Up Without Shaming
   → Reframe selfishness as a missed opportunity for deeper connection (with concrete convo starters).

5. When to Stay, When to Walk
   → If they respond with defensiveness or gaslighting (“You’re too sensitive”), you’re not being picky—your needs are sacred.

6. Pleasure as Mutual Practice
   → Sex as co-creation, not consumption. What it looks like when both partners want to learn each other’s pleasure.

Let’s talk about selfish sex…

You know—the kind where they finish fast, roll over, and suddenly forget you even exist.

No aftercare.

No curiosity.

No “How was that for you?”—just a sleepy sigh and a towel tossed your way like a parting gift.

We’re not talking about someone having an off night.

We’re talking about a pattern of one-sided pleasure.

Where you’re a participant—but never a priority.

And we’re not doing that anymore.

🚩 What Does Selfish Sex Look Like?

It’s not just about who finishes first.

It’s about presence, intent, and mutuality.

Examples include:

• Always initiating with their pleasure in mind

• Ignoring or bypassing foreplay that centers your body

• Skipping aftercare or emotional check-ins

• Responding to feedback with defensiveness or dismissiveness

• Treating sex like a performance or transaction—not a connection

🤯 Why It Happens

Sometimes it’s conditioning.

Sometimes it’s ego.

Sometimes it’s a lack of emotional maturity, empathy, or basic decency.

But most often?

It’s because they’ve never been taught that your pleasure is sacred, too.

And let’s be real—society doesn’t exactly hand out pleasure-positive communication skills in health class.

But being uneducated isn’t an excuse to be unaware.

🧠 How It Impacts You

When sex consistently centers the other person, you start to question:

• Is it me?

• Am I asking for too much?

• Should I just fake it again?

Spoiler alert: No, you’re not.

And no, you shouldn’t have to.

This kind of dynamic doesn’t just affect your physical experience—it erodes trust, safety, and self-worth.

You begin to dissociate from your own desire.

You learn to tolerate instead of enjoy.

You shrink, fold, and silence the parts of you that crave to be met.

💬 How to Speak Up Without Shrinking

You deserve pleasure that’s shared, not just spent on you.

Here’s how to start the convo:

• “Can I be honest? I feel like our intimate moments are a little one-sided lately.”

• “I want to feel more seen and involved—not just used.”

• “I love being physical with you, but I need us to slow down and tune into both our needs.”

• “Can we explore ways for us to both feel satisfied and connected?”

If they respond with curiosity? That’s growth.

If they respond with gaslighting? That’s your red flag, babe.

💞 What Mutual Pleasure Actually Looks Like:

It’s not about perfectly timed orgasms or Kama Sutra-level technique.

It’s about:

• Asking “What do you want tonight?” without assumptions

• Slowing down to listen for body language

• Caring about aftercare (a warm rag + water is foreplay too, okay?)

• Recognizing that pleasure is a conversation—not a conquest

✨ Bottom Line?

Your pleasure isn’t extra.

It’s not a bonus.

It’s not a “maybe later.”

It’s the whole damn point.

And if someone consistently makes you feel like a guest star in your own sex life?

You don’t need to be quiet about it.

You need to be clear.

Because this isn’t just about sex.

It’s about self-worth.

And babe, yours isn’t up for negotiation.

V.“I’m Not Shy—I’m Just Not Ready (Or Turned On)”

Spoiler alert: Hesitation doesn’t always mean insecurity. Sometimes it’s your body whispering, “Not yet.”

“You’re just shy.”

They said it with a smile.

As if shyness were something to be outgrown or overcome.

As if not jumping into arousal on command was a personal flaw.

But here’s the truth:

I’m not shy.

I’m not broken.

I’m not playing coy.

I’m just. Not. Ready.

Or turned on. Or emotionally connected. Or safe in my body.

And none of that needs to be fixed.

🔥 Let’s De-Shame the “Not Yet”

We live in a culture that praises the quick, the bold, and the overtly sexual.

So when you move slowly, when your desire asks for more warm-up than wham-bam, when you need a moment to check in with your body before giving it to someone else…

You’re often labeled as shy. Frigid. Uninterested. Teasing.

But sometimes…

You’re just not ready.

Or stimulated.

Or your body isn’t saying yes yet.

And that deserves to be honored, not hurried.

🌿 Arousal Isn’t a Light Switch

Despite what pop culture tells us, arousal doesn’t always hit like a lightning bolt.

It doesn’t scream, “NOW!”

It often whispers, “Maybe…”

It’s relational. Emotional. Somatic.

For many of us, especially if we’ve experienced trauma, performative sex, or emotional disconnection, readiness doesn’t begin in the body—it begins in the nervous system.

Before you can say yes with your hips, your body needs to say yes with your breath.

💬 What It Actually Means to “Not Be Ready”

Let’s reframe “I’m not ready”:

• It might mean I need more emotional foreplay—talk to me like I’m human, not just a warm body.

• It might mean I haven’t dropped into my body yet—I’m still up in my head, in survival mode, or dissociated.

• It might mean I don’t feel seen—and without that, desire doesn’t have a doorway in.

None of this makes you difficult. It makes you attuned.

🗣️ How to Say It Without Apologizing

Try these lines:

• “I want to feel fully here with you, and I’m not there yet.”

• “My body moves slower than my mind, and I need a little time to catch up.”

• “This isn’t a no, but it’s not a yes yet either.”

• “Let’s pause here—I want this to feel mutual, not performative.”

If they’re safe, they’ll honor it.

If they get defensive, you’ve learned something valuable.

🕯️ Rituals That Help You Warm Up Gently

If you’re not ready, don’t pressure yourself to “get there”—but you can offer your body soft invitations:

• Grounding breathwork: Inhale through your nose, exhale with sound.

• Self-touch rituals: Explore sensation without goal or agenda.

• Mirror play: Let yourself be witnessed—by you.

• Consent check-ins: Ask your body, “Do you want to be touched right now?” Let it answer honestly.

🧠 Permission to Not Perform

You don’t owe anyone your arousal.

You don’t have to perform excitement to make someone else comfortable.

And you don’t need to rush into readiness to be worthy of connection.

You are not too slow.

Too quiet.

Too tender.

Too anything.

You are exactly where you are.

And that… is holy ground.

IV. “Healing Through Sensation”

Theme: Trauma-informed pleasure

Tone: Gentle, validating

Letting the Body Lead

We’re taught to think our way through everything—

Relationships. Healing. Desire. Even sex.

But the body? The body whispers truths the mind won’t admit.

Sensation is a sacred language.

It doesn’t lie.

It doesn’t negotiate.

It simply is.

🔥 Why sensation matters:

When we slow down and listen to what’s happening beneath the surface—

the tight jaw, the soft belly, the skipped heartbeat—we begin to uncover what we’re really feeling.

Pleasure. Discomfort. Longing. Resistance.

It’s all valid. It’s all information.

Instead of asking, “What should I do?”

Try asking,

✨ “What do I feel?”

✨ “Where is it in my body?”

✨ “What does it need from me?”

This is heading through sensation.

🌙 A Practice: 3-Minute Sensory Drop-In

1. Get still. Feel where your body touches the ground or the chair.

2. Close your eyes. Bring awareness to your skin, breath, heartbeat.

3. Ask: Where do I feel the most aliveness?

4. Let that part of you lead. Let it move, stretch, or breathe in a new way.

5. Stay curious. No performance. No pressure. Just presence.

💌 Why this matters

Sensation is where consent begins.

It’s where pleasure lives.

It’s the compass that brings you back to yourself.

You don’t have to figure everything out to move forward.

Sometimes, you just have to feel your way through.

Head through sensation. The rest will follow.

III. “Let’s Talk About Sexual Communication Styles”

Theme: Communication

Tone: Empowering, practical

Sexual communication isn’t just about talking dirty (although that can be fun). It’s also about knowing how you express desire, ask for what you need, give feedback, and navigate boundaries — with or without words.

Just like we all have different love languages, we also have different sexual communication styles. And understanding yours can be a game changer in how connected, confident, and turned on you feel in your intimate life.

🤔Why It Matters

Think of sexual communication as the bridge between your desires and your experiences. When that bridge is strong, sex becomes not just hotter — but safer, more collaborative, and more emotionally satisfying.

On the flip side, unclear or mismatched communication styles can lead to confusion, unmet needs, and disconnection.

So let’s explore…

🔍 Common Sexual Communication Styles

You may be a mix of a few — or shift depending on the situation or partner. There’s no “right” way, just more clarity.

1. Verbal & Expressive

You say what you want — and probably aren’t shy in the bedroom. You feel empowered when there’s open dialogue, affirmations, and lots of “yes, like that.”

Try: Dirty talk, pillow talk, safe word check-ins, or affirmation during intimacy.

2. Physical & Intuitive

You speak with your body. You notice and respond to cues like breathing, tension, or touch. Words might feel less natural in sexual settings.

Try: Nonverbal gestures (a nod, a squeeze), mutual exploration, or using body-based feedback tools like “red/yellow/green.”

3. Reflective & Written

You like to think things through first — or debrief after. Texting, journaling, or writing out desires may feel safer than in-the-moment talk.

Try: Erotic journaling, consent lists, or sharing fantasies through written prompts.

4. Energetic & Emotional

You communicate through vibes, emotional presence, and energy exchange. You feel when something’s off — even if no one says a word.

(Try: Eye contact, breath syncing, setting mood with music, or pre-sex emotional check-ins.)

💌 Tips for Better Sexual Communication

• Check in before, during, and after. A simple “How are you feeling?” can open powerful doors.

• Use “I” statements. (Ex: “I feel most connected when we slow down.”)

• Practice outside the bedroom. Sexual safety starts with emotional safety.

• Get curious, not critical. You and your partner(s) are learning each other’s language.

💭 Final Thoughts

You deserve a sex life where your yes means yes, your no is respected, and your voice (or gestures, or vibes) are heard. Whether you’re verbal, physical, reflective, or energetic — your communication style is valid.

II. “Pleasure as Self-Knowing”

Theme: Solo exploration

Tone: Reflective, body-positive

Exploring your pleasure doesn’t have to be for someone else. In fact, some of the most powerful moments happen when it’s just you, your body, and a little curiosity. I began to explore myself at the age of 14. I used to sneak into our TV room after 12am and tune in to whatever HBO had to offer that night. My favorites were: The Seduction of Maxine, Taxicab Confessions, and Real Sex. They inspired me to explore myself and discover my sensitive spots. Knowing myself, later made me the ultimate teacher in guiding my partner on how to please me.

Pleasure is a form of listening. What makes you feel grounded? Open? Playful? When we practice noticing without judgment, we build intimacy with ourselves—and that ripples outward into every relationship.

I. “Consent is more than a yes”

Theme: Consent

Tone: Clear, inclusive, conversational

We often think of consent as a single “yes” or “no,” but in real life, consent is a dialogue—ongoing, shifting, and mutual.

Consent can sound like:

• “I’m into that, but can we go slower?”

• “Can I check in about what you’re enjoying?”

• “I’m good with this now, but I might need a break later.”

Practicing consent means getting curious, not just compliant. When both people feel safe to speak up and slow down, that’s when trust—and pleasure—gets real.