VII.“Performance Doesn’t Equal Presence: Unlearning the Porn Script”

We’ve been conditioned to perform sex, not actually feel it.

Arch your back.

Make the right sounds.

Pretend to finish.

Repeat.

From mainstream porn to hookup culture to shame-based sex ed, we learned early: sex is something we do, not something we experience.

But let’s be honest—

you can hit all the “right” spots and still feel completely disconnected.

And that’s the lie we’re breaking up with today.

🍑 What Is the “Porn Script”?

It’s the unconscious playbook many of us act out without even realizing it.

Some examples:

• Faking sounds, orgasms, or reactions to meet expectations

• Rushing through intimacy to get to the “main event”

• Prioritizing visual appeal over embodied pleasure

• Feeling like you need to “perform” dominance or submission rather than choose it

• Believing that silence = boring, slowness = failure, or asking for what you want = needy

The porn script isn’t just in porn.

It’s in the locker rooms, the memes, the “how to please your man in 5 steps” clickbait, the silence of sex ed classrooms.

And it teaches us to detach from ourselves in order to be desirable.

😶‍🌫️ Performance Disconnects Us From Presence

You can arch. You can moan. You can ride.

But are you even in your body?

Are you feeling it—or are you watching yourself from outside, making sure you look like you’re doing it right?

When you’re in performance mode:

• You override your body’s boundaries to “keep the mood”

• You dissociate during sex but don’t realize it until later

• You focus more on the others pleasure VS yours

• You confuse attention with connection

And that’s not pleasure. So what’s the point?

🧠 Why We Perform

• To avoid rejection (“If I don’t act like I’m enjoying this, they’ll lose interest.”)

• To prove worthiness (“This is how I stay desirable, lovable, chosen.”)

• To avoid vulnerability (“If I just do what they like, I won’t have to speak up.”)

• Because we were never taught what actual presence feels like in sex

And when you’ve survived trauma…Performance becomes muscle memory.

🧘🏽‍♀️ Reclaiming Presence in the Bedroom

You don’t need to throw away every moan or movement—you just need to ask, “Is this for me, too?”

Here’s how to start the unlearning:

✨1. Slow Down

Most performance thrives in speed. Slowing down lets the body speak up.

✨ 2. Check In Mid-Play

Ask yourself: “Do I want this, or am I just going along with it?”

✨ 3. Practice Authentic Sound

Allow yourself sensation, without expectation. It might feel awkward at first. That’s okay.

✨ 4. Let Go of the “Show”

Sex isn’t a stage. You don’t need to perform worthiness—you are worthy. Right here. Right now.

✨ 5. Choose Experiences Over Applause

Instead of aiming for approval, aim for honesty. That’s where the good stuff lives.

🖤 The Truth?

You don’t need to be a pornstar in bed.

You need to be present.

Because real turn-on lives in the nuance—

The breath you didn’t plan.

The moment your hips followed sensation instead of rhythm.

The stillness that said, “I trust you.”

That’s the kind of sex that doesn’t just feel good.

It feels free.