THE PAUSE: 09

Caring for you without carrying you

I’ve come to realize something about myself.

I have a tendency to want to help people

I can feel when someone’s energy is off. When they’re frustrated, overwhelmed, or trying to figure something out, my first instinct is to see what I can do to help them get through it.

Sometimes I’ll go beyond offering support and start trying to figure out how to fix the situation for them. And I’ve had to ask myself why.

Why do I feel the need to step in? Why do I feel responsible for helping someone find their way out of something they’re perfectly capable of working through themselves?

I’ve realized that somewhere along the way, being able to help became a reason to help—even when it wasn’t mine to do. And I’ve given a lot of my energy away doing that.

I’ll pour into someone, help them think through a problem, try to make things easier for them, or help them get out of a situation. And by the time I’m done, I’ve given so much of myself making sure they’re okay that I haven’t even checked in with myself.

Then comes the part I’ve had to be honest about. Sometimes, even when I’m depleted, I keep pouring. I’m still trying to show up. Still trying to help. Still trying to figure out what I can do for someone else. And I haven’t stopped to ask whether anything is being poured back into me.

Not because everyone is incapable of reciprocating. I’m well aware there are people who will show up for you, support you, and pour into you just as willingly as you do for them. And when you have that, let it be reciprocal. Allow yourself to receive that support, too.

But I’ve learned that I can’t keep giving from a place of depletion while hoping that reciprocity will eventually find its way to me. I’ve had to understand that being there for someone doesn’t mean doing the work for them.

I can listen without finding the solution. I can offer support without taking over. I can care about what someone is going through without making their situation my responsibility to resolve. And I can recognize that someone is struggling without assuming that I’m supposed to do something about it.

Sometimes people need support, not someone to take over their situation.

I’m still someone who wants to help. I don’t want to lose that part of myself. I just don’t want to keep abandoning myself in the process of showing up for everyone else.

Because I matter in the equation, too.

My energy matters. My time matters. What I have left to give matters.And just because I can help doesn’t mean I always have to.

I’ve learned that I can care without carrying, support without sacrificing, and love people without making myself responsible for their lives.

I don’t have to empty myself to prove that I care.

And I don’t have to do everything for someone to say that I showed up for them.

Sometimes showing up is enough.

Pause question:

Where have you been giving so much of yourself to help someone else that you've forgotten to check what you're leaving for yourself?

Pull quote:

“Just because I can help doesn't mean I have to carry it.”

YourPleasure™