The Pause: 05

“Some people would rather lower the bar than rise to meet it.”

I’ve noticed something about human behavior that took me a while to understand.

Sometimes a person knows they are reaching for something beyond where they currently stand.

They see something they admire.
They recognize something they want.
They know, on some level, that the person in front of them requires more than what they’ve been accustomed to giving.

And they go for it anyway.

There is nothing wrong with reaching.

In fact, I think there is something beautiful about wanting to become more because you’ve encountered something that inspires you.

The problem comes when the person realizes they cannot rise to the occasion.

Instead of growing, they start negotiating with the height.

They look for ways to make what once impressed them seem excessive.

Too much.

Too difficult.

Too complicated.

Too demanding.

Suddenly, the qualities they pursued become the qualities they criticize.

And sometimes, instead of admitting “I couldn’t meet her where she was,” they begin trying to convince her that she shouldn’t have been standing there in the first place.

That’s the part I’ve found interesting.

Because when someone can’t reach you, there are two choices:

Rise.
Or reduce.

Some people choose reduction.

They chip away at your confidence.
Question your standards.
Create unnecessary conflict.
Point out your imperfections.
Or slowly introduce narratives that make you question whether the very things they admired about you were ever valuable to begin with.

Not because you suddenly became different.

Because being close to you made the distance between who they were and who they needed to become harder to ignore.

And when they eventually realize they still can’t bridge that distance, another thing can happen.

The story changes.

Suddenly, they weren’t rejected.

They escaped.

They weren’t unable to meet the standard.

The standard was supposedly the problem.

They weren’t disappointed that it didn’t work.

They chose to walk away.

And somehow, they become both the victim and the victor of a situation they were the ones pursuing.

I’ve learned not to argue with that version of the story.

Because sometimes the narrative someone creates after losing access to you has very little to do with you.

It has more to do with what they need to believe about themselves.

I don’t think the lesson is to stop reaching.

Reach.

But if you find yourself reaching for something you genuinely admire, don’t punish it for being higher than you expected.

Don’t drag it down because you discovered the climb requires something from you.

Become capable of holding what you asked for.

Because there is nothing embarrassing about punching above your weight.

The problem is pretending the weight was the problem when you discovered you weren’t ready for the lift.

The Pause

When something challenges you to become more, do you rise to meet it—or try to make it smaller so you can remain where you are?

Pull Quote

Some people would rather lower the bar than rise to meet it.

Category: Recognition