The Pause • 01

I stopped confusing understanding with obligation.

I have always had a way of seeing beyond a person’s behavior.

I could recognize the hurt beneath their anger, the insecurity beneath their control, and the experiences that may have shaped the way they learned to love. Even when someone hurt me, part of me still wanted to understand how they became that person.

For a long time, I thought that understanding meant I had to be more patient.

I gave people grace because I knew their story. I made room for behavior that disturbed my peace because I could explain where it came from. Instead of focusing on what something was doing to me, I focused on why they were doing it.

Understanding became the reason I stayed longer.

It became the reason I reconsidered boundaries I had already made. It became the reason I continued offering access after someone had shown they did not know how to handle it.

But knowing why someone behaves a certain way does not change the impact of their behavior.

Their wounds may explain the pattern, but they do not make me responsible for living inside of it.

I can recognize the parts of someone that are still hurting without allowing those parts to continue hurting me. I can have compassion without volunteering myself as proof that they are still worthy of love. I can understand their history without making it my future.

That realization changed the way I see forgiveness too.

Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. Compassion does not always mean closeness. And understanding someone does not automatically earn them continued access to me.

Sometimes understanding simply allows me to leave without hatred.

I no longer need to turn someone into a villain to know they are not healthy for me. I do not have to deny their humanity to honor my own.

I can understand them.

And still choose myself.

Pull Quote:

Their wounds may explain the pattern, but they do not make me responsible for living inside of it.

The Pause 📓
What have you continued tolerating because you understood where it came from?